Category Archives: Humor

Fast Miscellanea! No, Faster Than That, Even!

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from SomethingAwful’s hilarious Movie Anagrams

iPhone fetishism personified: a masturbatory Flickr group of nearly identical home screens.

The weirdest conspiracy theory ever: Andrew W.K. was replaced, Paul is Dead style.

Some awesome doctors believe that worms are like humanity’s systemic best friends – sort of like dogs that live inside our tummies and drink our blood.

Witness the hipster rage against fast food in this BoingBoing comment thread. Smug superiority is much more dangerous than McDonald’s hamburgers.

Some tasty excerpts:

“…I haven’t patronized a McDonalds or its ilk in at least a decade and a half. I believe it should be regarded as a serious character flaw for those who willfully do so.”

“Once you enter McDonald’s, you already lose.”

“Haven’t eaten any McDognuts in over a year now. Yes, I do feel smug. Thanks for noticing.”

Radiolab is the best radio show or podcast around, period. The link is to a video that someone made, showcasing why I’m right.

More evidence that The Hobbit is in good hands.

The most recent voice of Crow T. Robot also co-wrote the script that eventually became Eddie Murphy’s latest debacle.

You’re Going to Tell Me About the Weather.

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Ok, bucko – stop right there. I know what you’re about to say. You just came in from your lunch break. Your face is a little red. I think I see sweat on your forehead. You’re smiling, too. Let me finish that thought for you, and then crumple it up and throw it at your face.

It’s not nice outside. No. Stop. It’s not.

The next time you come prancing in here with your shirt all pitted out and your sunglasses on, say this: “It’s 85 degrees with 45% humidity.” I don’t need the editorializing. I don’t need you grafting your own dumb opinion on the current weather conditions. Just say what you want to say to me and get on with whatever small, insignificant life you lead.

Yeah, I said it. Insignificant.

I didn’t mean it, though. I’m just cranky.

See, I get cranky when I’m really uncomfortable. It’s a weird quirk I have, I guess.

Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than heat.

- I like to wear a lot of clothing. I am a little dysmorphic, so I like to wear layers. I think people look better when they’re wearing more clothes. The fewer clothes I wear the more people get acquainted with my fat parts, and I like to keep those parts to myself.

- I don’t do outdoor activities. I don’t like picnics. I don’t like camping. I don’t play sports. I don’t like bugs or wild animals, and there are more of those outside than there are in here. I don’t go hiking. Hell, I don’t even eat a lot of vegetables.

- I generate a lot of body heat. It radiates from my chest area in waves. People who sit close to me can actually feel the warmth. Those lucky fools who manage to get me in bed don’t need a blanket when I’m around. So what is comfortable to you is actually impossibly hot to me.

- The sun is bright and I have pale skin. I burn very easily. Burned skin leads to cancer, eventually. I mean, so does smoking and I did enough of that. But since I no longer have the cloud of tobacco smoke to diffuse the sun’s deadly rays, I have to compensate in other ways – I choose to avoid them altogether.

- When I die at a young age, people will point to the proximity of the first two bullet points and shake their heads and nod and say I was a candle that didn’t exactly burn very brightly but was low-quality wax and with a wick that wouldn’t stay lit and was probably made out of lead and secretly poisoned everybody who breathed in its foetid fume. That, or they’ll say that I never reached my potential, thus proving that frog-eyed bitch of a fourth grade homeroom teacher right.

So you can take your smug celebration of the weather and you can ram it up your umbrella stand. When the leaves crunch underfoot and the air sprouts the spurs of an early snap, and you start closing your windows at night and sighing at the thermostat, I’ll be the one coming in after lunch with a big smile and red cheeks.

And when winter comes, we can both bitch about the cold.

Keanu Reeves is a Dummy, and I Have Proof!

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Proving that Keanu Reeves has below-average intelligence is about as challenging as proving that water is wet, but when I read the following sentence, I must not allow it to pass without public comment:

“Hey man, don’t put that tin man down! That was iconoclastic!”

He’s protesting MTV’s blogger taking a crack at Gort, from The Day the Earth Stood Still. Keanu is starring in a remake of the original 1951 movie.

Oh, and the original is also one of the finest science fiction movies ever made, about a man from space and his big robot guardian who tell the people of earth that they better start making nice with each other or the collective of alien races who sent him will destroy all of humanity.

What Keanu meant to say was that the tin man is “iconic,” which is not the same word as “iconoclastic.” The latter word actually means the opposite of what Keanu was trying to say. He said “iconoclastic” because smart people use that word, and if people are going to think he’s smart, then he needs to start using words that smart people use. So what if he doesn’t know what it means? He’s smarter than you!

Related to this are people who say “penultimate” when they mean “ultimate,” people who say “apropos” when they mean “appropriate,” and people who use the word “societal” instead of saying “social.”

You can add people who use a lot of “quotation marks,” to that list, too.

Miscellanea: Fluids, Dogs and Balloon Fetishes

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Corey Watches the Cat

photograph by my mom and posted on her blog.


“You know who would have done a great job covering such a stately Beltway funeral? Tim Russert.”

Ouch. The Onion stings!

My Next 2 T-Shirts

This is apparently going to be the Summer of Too Many Cotton Shirts, as I’m on the verge of ordering these two (thanks, Will!):

Dog Update From Mom

If one were to write a movie script about the dogs in my parents’ house, Grizzly would be the slow, dim-witted one while Corey would be the quick, smart, evil one. He’s the nice dog, she’s the mean dog. He just wants to be loved, she just wants to make trouble. But she’s still a dog, and she still protects her family and lies around a lot.

My mother illustrates Corey’s nature in a series of blog posts (and photographs) that you can see here, here and here.

Why is This Guy Famous?

I had never heard of this Spencer chap until I saw him on Letterman, and I’m still not entirely sure why anybody cares about him. i don’t like it when morons like Spencer prance their styled little bodies onto the chair next to him and start trying to banter. They’re not funny, despite what their insipid little clubkid friends always tell them.

Dave ably cuts him down to size in this video.

Stay Off My Side, Bill

Bill Maher has a new documentary coming out. It’s about religion. He’s an atheist, but he’s also a misogynist and a mean-spirited, holier-than-everybody snob. Bill and I agree at least on the first thing, so I find him slightly less intolerable when he’s talking about that particular subject. Even so, I don’t like the idea of watching his horribly stretched face and lizard-slick hair make fun of people in this movie. He’s easier to understand if you realize that he does not accept the idea that anything worthwhile exists between the east and west seaboard.

You can see him in all his gross douchebaggery in the trailer for his movie here.

Applicationize Your Websites

I first heard about this program on Lifehacker.com, but then it seemed like I was hearing about it everywhere. I figured I should try it, so I did. This functionality is going to be a part of the next version of Safari (Apple’s web browser), supposedly. But we have it now, with a program called Fluid.

In order to access a website, you have to open your web browser and navigate to the page you want. This is great for sites that you glance at or whatever, but that’s no longer convenient – there are a few sites that are meant to stay open all the time, like Facebook and Gmail. The interaction between your operating system and your website all has to go through a central arbiter, the web browser. Fluid breaks those sites out of that middleman and lets you and your operating system access them as separate entities.

You point this little application, Fluid, to the site you want to applicationize – Gmail, for instance. Lo and behold, you can alt-tab to it at your leisure. You can see it at work, in my little workspace.

The Japanese people continue to vex me:

A New Game To Play: Conversation All-Star

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Conversations can be so tedious. You’d like to talk about how the recent episode of Battlestar Galactica relates to American domestic policy in the Vietnam era, or about how Hobbsian philosophy is incompatible with a free society and the dummy in the next cube wants to gnaw your ear off about her psoriasis.

Conversation All-Star is your answer to a suicidally insipid discussion.

The game has two goals:

1) derail the conversation as fast as you can.
2) get as far away from the original topic as possible.

There is only one rule:

1) You cannot let your opponent know you are playing.

Order of Operations: Morning

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1. Alarm 1. Snooze.
2. Alarm 2. Snooze.
3. Alarm 3. Snooze.
4. Alarm 1. Off.
5. Get up.
6. Alarm 2. Off.
7. Get back in bed.
8. Alarm 3. Snooze.
9. Alarm 3. Snooze.
10. Get up.
11. Shower.
12. Alarm 3. Off.
13. Weeping.
14. Underpants.
15. Socks.
16. Shirt.
17. Pants.
18. Belt.
19. Synch iPod.
20. Scramble for coins.
21. Throw water bottle into bag.
22. Grab keys.
23. Leave house.
24. Return to house.
25. Shoes.
26. Leave house.
27. Return to house.
28. Throw contact lens case into bag.
29. Lie down on couch.
30. Curse. Get up.
31. Leave house.
32. Watch bus recede into distance.
33. Curse. Return to house.
34. Kick furniture. Curse.
35. Brush teeth.
36. Leave house.
37. Get in car.
38. Begin driving to work. Curse.
39. Stop for gas.
40. Curse. Return to house.
41. Grab phone.
42. Begin driving to work.
43. Arrive at work.
44. Curse.

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Prayers to a Paper Totem

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I know a guy who has a collection of DVDs large enough to rival any video store. He watches them once in a while, but mostly he just organizes them. His collection began as a means to an end – the ability to watch any movie he wanted, at any time he wanted. But it turned into something else, a thing that existed to be a thing. Its purpose is itself.

He has a list of every title in his collection, written on paper. He updates it as he adds to it. When it the list gets too messy with additions and revisions, he copies the whole thing by hand into a new notebook.

The collection itself no longer even matters – it’s the list that he cares about.

He died today. I found his list in my inbox at work. I think he wanted me to have it.

That’s a lie. He didn’t die.

He’s alive and, right now, is mouth-breathing into a used copy of Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo.

Here’s a picture I just took of myself:

Drinking Coffee @ Crazy Mocha

fin

How To Be a Really Awesome Wife

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First things first – don’t wear red nail polish.

Yeah, you read that right. Columnist George Crane knew exactly the ingredients for a good and a bad marriage, and I finally have a reliable, codified list of requirements for my own future spouse.

I find it difficult to argue with any of these things, though some of them seem a little strange. I don’t question those items, though, because they’re like baking soda in recipes for cookies or whatever – I don’t know why it’s there but it must be for a pretty good reason, otherwise it wouldn’t be on the list in the first place.

Here’s the source.

Bad wives:

1. Slow in coming to bed – delays till husband is almost asleep.

2. Doesn’t like children.

3. Fails to sew on buttons or darn socks regularly.

4. Wears soiled or ragged dresses and aprons around the house.

5. Wears red [goddamn] nail polish.

6. Often late for appointments.

7. Seams in hose often crooked.

8. Goes to bed with curlers in her hair or much face cream.

9. Puts her cold feet on husband at night to warm them.

10. Is a back seat driver.

11. Flirts with other men at parties or in restaurants.

12. Is suspicious and jealous.

Good wives:

1. A good hostess – even to unexpected guests.

2. Has meals on time.

3. Can carry on an interesting conversation.

4. Can play a musical instrument.

5. Dresses for breakfast.

6. Neat housekeeper.

7. Personally puts children to bed.

8. Never goes to bed angry, always makes up first.

9. Asks husband’s opinion regarding important decisions and purchases.

10. Good sense of humor — jolly and gay [but not too gay, unless the husband benefits from it, hint hint].

11. Religious – sends children to church or Sunday school and goes herself [by herself]

12. Lets husband sleep late on Sundays and holidays [and don't forget about Saturdays!].

13. Will be the husband’s slave, forever and ever or until he gets sick of her, at which point she can sod off.