I had a really long post here and I accidentally closed Firefox. I’m a douche.
The subject line comes from my reaction to the first title I thought of (March Madness!), when I realized where I had heard that particular idiom last.
Have you seen the news story about the injured cheerleader who kept right on cheering while strapped to a gurney?
Apparently, she “inspired a nation.”
I don’t know what nation is inspired by her, but I hope it’s not the one I think it is. You know who else inspired a nation? Winston Churchill.
Personally, I just think it’s funny, in that I’m laughing at her.
Also, you better believe that someone, somewhere is masturbating to that picture.
Here’s a clip of what I’m writing now:
The same person called again, the next day, slightly earlier, this time while Jeff was was putting the food out for his cats.
“Give me your money,” it said.
“I don’t think I can do that,” said Jeff, patiently.
“Oh, wait, did I call you yesterday?”
“Yes, you did,” said Jeff. “Can you tell me which number you meant to call? Maybe I can help.”
The voice read the number aloud.
“Oh, that’s my number,” said Jeff. “Hmm, this is a tough one. Where did you get my number?”
“From the phone,” said the voice, saying the last word as if it hadn’t heard it before.
“That’s funny,” he said, and he didn’t laugh, because it wasn’t.
“I don’t think it’s very funny. I should have eaten you by now,” said the voice, with the finality of someone about to slam the phone down, if people slammed phones anymore, which they didn’t.
But he didn’t hang up. Jeff had never hung up on someone in his life and he wasn’t about to start.
“Hello?” he said. “Did you say something about eating me?”
The voice sighed with the sound of a fat person siting down in a bean bag chair. It went on for a minute or so, and was followed up by a hacking cough.
This seemed to end the call, because after a few moments, the phone started beeping, so Jeff hung it back up on its dock and cleaned up the cats’ dishes.
Want to know who’s on the other end of the phone? That would give away the ending, but I’ll give you a hint: I’m writing a modern-day retelling of Farmer Giles of Ham. Discuss. Make me feel valuable.
Have you seen Eddie Van Halen lately? He’s not a witch, he’s your wife!
Why are new crustaceans constantly in the news these days? I have only one question: will it taste as delicious as shrimp, when battered and deep-fried? No? Then I don’t care.
Why the hell is anybody scared of human cloning? Do these people actually understand what cloning is? There’s no copy of you, there’s no duplicate, as if from a xerox machine. At best, a clone of you would be your identical twin, except much younger. Do you know any identical twins? Can you tell them apart? Do they have separate personalities? Yes.
Therefore, what’s to be afraid of?
Kristin Davis’s biography on imdb.com bears this:
She is the only of the 4 main actresses from “Sex and the City” (1998) to guest-star on “Friends” (1994)
Sadly, there is no mention of any other sitcom, movie or play in which she appeared that did not also feature one of the other cast members of Sex and the City.
I shudder to think of the psychology of the person who submitted that particular nugget of information, doubtlessly convinced of the need for the world at large to know what sitcom Kristin Davis appeared on without the company of her SatC castmates.
I Googled myself, and am slightly disturbed by the result that most frequently appears.
I used to ride a bike, when I was eight, and I sure as hell don’t write stories (or books!) about it.
This was an angry post. It’s late. I’m tired. Deal.