Much like when my parents reached a certain age, and discovered that more and more retailers were offering them senior discounts, I recently reached a marketing milestone of my own.

Because I’m listed as single on my profile, Facebook has started showing me ads for sites intended to connect lonely singles to each other. But apparently there is a whole segment of the internet population that doesn’t want to be associated with single people older than 39 and younger than 30 – that such a site is viable at all is testament to a kind of consensus: that people between those ages want to date other people between those ages. Therefore, this site exists (beware the very small woman who will suddenly start talking to you).

After nearly two years of singleness, and having been thirty years old for only a small portion of that time, I don’t think I’m prepared to date anybody in any specific age range, though I honestly can’t see myself having much in common with somebody who is younger than my youngest brother. I’d like to have kids at some point, I think, so maybe somebody who isn’t close to the Change of Life would be good, too. I’d like to think that I judge people, and especially romantic partners, on a case-by-case basis.

Is there an issue with people in their thirties meeting people of a certain age? My only experience is stuff like watching movies with fewer children than adults and playing online games with people old enough to have a hormone-altered voice.

Chemistry is so goddamn rare that I don’t think it’s fair to discriminate. Who knows? Maybe the love of your life has crow’s feet?

I’ve made fun of Heroes here before, but I think it sucks that the episode I saw tonight is a) the penultimate one of the season and b) a sign of improved quality. A show that creates drama by endangering the lives of the characters can’t suddenly make it easy to bring the characters back to life. Rather than dwell on the physical stakes, it is sticking to the emotional stakes, which are much, much more interesting.

Even so, I think a show about Monica andMicah would be a great spinoff. Their powers aren’t world-breaking, don’t require expensive special effects, and they have great big sister/little brother chemistry. Think about it, NBC.
—
Best Buy is selling the Lord of the Rings extended editions for $13 each. If you’re a true fan, you already have them. If you lost them in the divorce, now’s your chance!
—
They’re filming a movie based on the greatest graphic novel ever created. Some pictures of the sets have surfaced, and they’re all kinds of awesome.
—
On an unrelated note: when did everybody get so goddamn old?

The leading theory in some right wing circles is that the environmental movement, and the theory of global warming specifically, is intended to bring about the economic destruction of the United States. The Kyoto Protocols specifically exonerate India and China, the two most populous nations in the world, from any limits on their carbon production. The theory goes that this will put the brakes on the USA’s economy while boosting the unaffected nations’ economies.

Environmentalists are able to spread their lies directly to our children by uniting with their fellow socialists in the labor movement, and making sure that the following generations will believe the environmentalist point of view as fully and as completely as they also believe that Columbus was a greedy, genocidal murderer.

Let me be very clear about this idea: the entire environmental movement is a concerted attempt to undermine the sovereignty of the United States and to bring it under a global government lead by socialist, authoritarian intellectuals who think they know what’s good for us better than we do.

The leading theory in some left wing circles is that the current administration made a concerted effort to undermine our election process, by both by race-motivated voter fraud and by controlling the Supreme Court. Both Presidential elections were stolen in order to put the military-industrial complex in more direct control of the government.

The Bush administration falsified data in order to win popular approval for an unjust, unnecessary military action against an innocent, sovereign nation. The subsequent invasion and occupation resulted in the murder of hundreds of thousands of innocent people. The Bush administration did this only to make more money for their compatriots in big business, shamelessly shedding American blood in order to make as much money as possible. The Bush administration is a cadre of evil, unstoppable tyrants who torture, murder, destroy and enslave. They answer to no one except their bosses in corporate America.

Let me be clear: President Bush is a puppet tyrant representing an invisible cartel of business and military interests bent on turning the USA into a fascist dictatorship. The war in Iraq is a money grab and an attempt by Bible-thumping fanatics to turn the middle east into a vassal of an imperialistic United States. Bush and his cronies should be turned over to an international court to be tried for war crimes. This is simply another example of how America is a bloated, imperialistic nation of stupid, money-grubbing, Wal-Mart rednecks who don’t know what’s good for them.

—

If you believe one theory, how can you dismiss the other?

Because both sides believe that the other side is not only capable of being very, very evil but is actively being evil. I can’t believe the red-hot hate pouring out of some leftists about how Bush is worse than Hitler, or the same treatment that the environmentalists get from the rightists.

I think we need to accept that perhaps, possibly, maybe, the other side actually means well, that they think they’re doing what’s best for us, and then judge the actions of the individuals accordingly.

Anything less is just rhetoric; you might as well argue about which side of the egg should be eaten first.

Dear McG (or whatever your stupid name is),

You directed the Charlie’s Angels movies, both of which I saw. With the exception of like one part, both of them really blew.

I heard you were directing a new Terminator movie, and I expected that movie to blow, too. It still might! You’re not off the hook yet. For one, all you’ve really done is direct those two stupid movies and a sports movie that I’ll never, ever see. But mostly, I’m skeptical of your Terminator movie because the best possible Terminator movies have already been done, and you didn’t have anything at all to do with either of them.

Then I heard two things that made me rethink my skepticism.

1) This movie apparently has hardly any time travel in it, and it’s mostly about John Connor leading the rebellion against SkyNet. It’s like a military sci-fi movie, when nobody’s really made a military sci-fi movie since Aliens, which was written and directed by the guy who already made the best possible Terminator movie.

2) You went and cast Christian Bale as John Connor, the main character.

I really want to hate you and your stupid name, but you might prove me wrong and make a decent movie.

I’ve got my eye on you, McG. Don’t mess this one up.

Sincerely,
Jim

Dear Viewers,

We know you love the cast of Heroes, the smash-hit NBC series, like the plucky, bespectacled Hiro and the grizzled, bespectacled Noah. Even the characters who don’t wear glasses are important to you, like the blonde stripper with the heart of gold and the blonde cheerleader with the heart of gold. Speaking of hearts of gold, we also have a black kid who can mess with electronics, and another black kid who does some kind of weird thing with TVs. We’re still not entirely sure. Maybe they both do stuff with TVs.

Whatever. That’s not important. What is important is that these characters are important. To you. And, therefore, they’re important to us.

If you watched tonight’s episode, then you might have noticed a couple of things that we guarantee with keep you loving these characters well into the future.

First of all, any indication we might have given you that Hiro’s powers were somehow limited, forget it! Now it should be pretty obvious that he can go wherever he wants, whenever he wants! That way, no matter how much our writers try, a character will only die when the character wants to die! The only possible way around that is if maybe the character about to die gets some horrible disease.

Not anymore! As you now know, Claire’s blood and that white Japanese guy’s blood can heal the sick and even bring the dead back to life!

That’s right, folks! Now, not only can Hiro pretty much do whatever he wants to prevent peoples’ deaths, he can actually bring them back to life after they’ve died!

So, fans of NBC’s smash hit Heroes, you no longer have to worry about any of your favorite characters (like the guy you keep calling HRG even though we’ve told you his first and last name)! They won’t die unless we get sick of paying them, or if they decide to stumble through a stillborn movie career only to come back to the medium that made them famous after they’re all old and wrinkled!

Sincerely,

NBC, the channel you watch NBC’s smash hit series Heroes on