What’s more upsetting? That Facebook is kind enough to tell me which of my friends are iPhone users, or the fact that I can’t tell if I’m attracted to the androgyne to the left.

What’s more upsetting? That Facebook is kind enough to tell me which of my friends are iPhone users, or the fact that I can’t tell if I’m attracted to the androgyne to the left.

Our parents had the 50s. We get the 80s?

It’s not fair.

Our parents had the 50s. We get the 80s?

It’s not fair.

Ok, bucko – stop right there. I know what you’re about to say. You just came in from your lunch break. Your face is a little red. I think I see sweat on your forehead. You’re smiling, too. Let me finish that thought for you, and then crumple it up and throw it at your face.

It’s not nice outside. No. Stop. It’s not.

The next time you come prancing in here with your shirt all pitted out and your sunglasses on, say this: “It’s 85 degrees with 45% humidity.” I don’t need the editorializing. I don’t need you grafting your own dumb opinion on the current weather conditions. Just say what you want to say to me and get on with whatever small, insignificant life you lead.

Yeah, I said it. Insignificant.

I didn’t mean it, though. I’m just cranky.

See, I get cranky when I’m really uncomfortable. It’s a weird quirk I have, I guess.

Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than heat.

- I like to wear a lot of clothing. I am a little dysmorphic, so I like to wear layers. I think people look better when they’re wearing more clothes. The fewer clothes I wear the more people get acquainted with my fat parts, and I like to keep those parts to myself.

- I don’t do outdoor activities. I don’t like picnics. I don’t like camping. I don’t play sports. I don’t like bugs or wild animals, and there are more of those outside than there are in here. I don’t go hiking. Hell, I don’t even eat a lot of vegetables.

- I generate a lot of body heat. It radiates from my chest area in waves. People who sit close to me can actually feel the warmth. Those lucky fools who manage to get me in bed don’t need a blanket when I’m around. So what is comfortable to you is actually impossibly hot to me.

- The sun is bright and I have pale skin. I burn very easily. Burned skin leads to cancer, eventually. I mean, so does smoking and I did enough of that. But since I no longer have the cloud of tobacco smoke to diffuse the sun’s deadly rays, I have to compensate in other ways – I choose to avoid them altogether.

- When I die at a young age, people will point to the proximity of the first two bullet points and shake their heads and nod and say I was a candle that didn’t exactly burn very brightly but was low-quality wax and with a wick that wouldn’t stay lit and was probably made out of lead and secretly poisoned everybody who breathed in its foetid fume. That, or they’ll say that I never reached my potential, thus proving that frog-eyed bitch of a fourth grade homeroom teacher right.

So you can take your smug celebration of the weather and you can ram it up your umbrella stand. When the leaves crunch underfoot and the air sprouts the spurs of an early snap, and you start closing your windows at night and sighing at the thermostat, I’ll be the one coming in after lunch with a big smile and red cheeks.

And when winter comes, we can both bitch about the cold.

I have one. The measurements and features of this phone were gleaned from ancient New Testament texts uncovered recently in a clay vessel buried deep beneath the ruins of what was once the summer home of Jesus H. Christ, your lord and savior.

I noticed that after I had the iPhone in my hoodie pocket for a few hours that there was no appendectomy scar!*

But in the end, it’s still just a cellular telephone. And it does phone stuff very well. It does iPod stuff very well, too. And I can listen to Pandora from my car. I have two computers, so I can use MobileMe to keep my contacts and calendar and stuff synched up with all of them without actually plugging the thing in. It also has GPS, and I can use it to get directions to places. These are all things that will make my life easier.

I have a few complaints. For reasons I can’t fathom, I can’t add a song to the On The Go playlist while I’m actually listening to the song. Scanning through a long audio file is painful and woefully inadequate. I’m sick of cover flow crashing out to the home screen. The call volume seems low to me, even with earbuds in. And the battery life is a staggering disappointment, but I’m used to my Razr lasting for three days without a charge. Apparently charging your phone every night is a common need for smart phone users. I think it sucks.

I heard that accessories wouldn’t work with the new one, so I tested it out by plugging in my old iTrip. The phone knew what this device was and kindly offered to put my phone in airplane mode, since the screaming, popping phone interference would mess up my listening pleasures. I agreed, and it kindly paused the music and went out of airplane mode again when I unplugged it. That was sweet of it.

We’ll see where this goes. I don’t want to give the impression that I don’t really like using this phone, because I do. It’s hard to phrase the good things about it without actually having a conversation in person about it. I’ll say this: It’s really, really awesome. It’s like a miniature Mac, except you use gestures and hand signals instead of typing on a tiny keyboard or pressing tiny buttons.

Using this phone is an enjoyable experience. That’s a new experience.

* I never had an appendectomy, so that might explain that.